Ahh, my innocent days just flew overhead, though not with a whisper of flapping wings, no, more likely with a tumultuous series of moans, gasps, sobs and shrieks of pleasure.
As a new erotica author, I thought I could simply look forward to life of leisure, lying down, kicking up my heels…and writing lots of naughty stories. Little did I comprehend the other side-effects, or side-benefits, of being in the business of getting two people to fall in love whilst doing the horizontal/ vertical/ upside-down tango as much as humanly possible. I'm assuming here, of course, that there are only two -- people, that is. Though I'm unlikely to do m/m erotica, I may extend myself to doing a ménage one day…purely in the just and noble cause of Research.
And yes, Research is one of those side-effects. There's an old adage about writing -- only write what you know. Total bollocks, in a way. How many serial killer writers have a cemetery under their floorboards? Not too many, I hope. Yet, in another way, it never never hurts to increase your knowledge of what you write, unless of course, it's a whip, or a flogger, or a paddle, hot wax, or a nipple clamp.
Speaking of clamps, through the wonders of the internet, I now know many awe-inspiring facts about clit clamps, such as how long to keep them on for, where precisely they go, and the many ways you can attach them with chains to things like nipple clamps, the floor and, via a pulley system, to the ceiling. The latter idea was mentioned by a very enthusiastic sub on a site that went on for about ten million pages, and five years, about the methods of torturing your loved one's clitoris. Despite the 'torture' appellation, some of the ideas sounded so interesting I had to take notes. If I don't use them in a story, I'll find something else to do with them. Seriously though, some of them were a tad dangerous. Battery-powered dremel tools and clitorises. Ouch, is all I can say.
Here's the link to that site and I'm sure they'd welcome more flamboyant ideas if you happen to have any lying around in your head: http://www.bondage.com/forums/pop_printer_friendly.asp?TOPIC_ID=7070
I still remember one of the warnings about clamps, and doubt I'll ever forget -- use them the wrong way and your lady bit may fall off. Now that's one bit of research most authors would like to avoid.
Strangely enough, one of the other horrendous side-effects is that the sex life of an erotica author tends to improve. Now, I have no idea why, but it may possibly be the result of all that research. To be completely certain of this I think some readers should trial doing the same research and then reveal their findings. So ten of you scamper off and try out some kinky products, read up about how to use them and so on, then come back here and tell us all the results. We'll wait…and wait…and now some more waiting…
Hmm, I don't think they're coming back for a while.
Granted, all the imagining done while writing these erotica stories might also be to blame for the sex life improvements. If my readers don't get that same 'imagination workout' there's something wrong with my stories and maybe I should do some more research myself.
Research leads to a proliferation of bookmarks on an author's computer, most of them filed under Sex or Porn or maybe BDSM. Yes, the next horrendous side effect is when my computer breaks down -- and I do say when and not 'if' because I'm not living in dreamland -- when it breaks down, my PC repair guy may have a cardiac arrest. Do you really believe those men don't ever peek at the contents of your documents and bookmarks folders? I will instantly go from having the aura of a suburban housewife to that of a porn queen. If I'm very lucky the morality police will not come round to my house to arrest me and the PC guy won't try to hit on me for an invite to the next orgy I hold.
I am also in the running to become firm friends with a chiropractor. Books do not grow on trees and writing them means sitting at the computer with eyes glued to the screen and fingers to the keyboard for days at a time. Subsequently, once I unglue my various bits, I will have to visit the chiropractor to realign my neck with my spine. At the moment it's not where it should be and I think it's somewhere between at right angles to my neck and in a totally new space dimension.
The last horrendous side effect I'll mention -- ignoring the one where my vocabulary of sex terminology has exploded -- ignoring that one, there is my secret identity. In my 'real' life here in Australia, I'm actually the Prime Minister of our glorious country. Believe that, do you? You don't know though because I have now got a lovely pen name. I may be a church minister or the president of the Society for the Liberation of Vampires from having Spangly Stuff Sprinkled on Them. Who knows? I do. And I ain't telling. Sometimes I feel like Batman and Bruce Wayne, only with a sex change, and of course, less muscles, and none of those Bat thingies. Wish I did have a Batcave